reading old words

I still feel the cuts
deeper and deeper each day
its as if the pain likes to stay
I'm sitting in a bath
trying to wash it all away
trying to forget everything
except the truth is
i remember it all
the good the bad
the happy the sad
i remember every feeling
i re read something you sent me this evening
it was about loving me forever
till heaven you stated
the only thing thats missing
is the truth in all your statements
you spoke so many words
made so many promises
you stated i was forever
that your love would never perish
its weird to me now
those words i continue to cherish
i can't say i miss you
because you were never real
nothing you did backed up how you said you feel
i know now
that the words are meaningless
that my soul was never yours to keep
i look at myself now
seeing love pulled from within
showing myself how strong i am
Its crazy how much and how little you knew me
you knew parts of me the best
better than anyone else
at the same time you didn't know me at all
you only knew the pieces you chose to understand
everything else was tossed out or under your command
i use to imagine you accepting everything
loving me the way i loved you
i now realize that will never happen

because who I was in love with was never you

Slowly insane

Loving you was a slow toxicity to my body 

Filling up my lungs and veins 

I began to go insane 

Always looking for a reason

Emotions changing more than the seasons 

Will it drown me or let me grow 

This pain is all that’s left to show 

Decomposing left to rotten 

Feed the earth I am forgotten 

Will you remember me 

Remember all that you couldn’t see 

Or will you douse my name in flames 

Letting me burn in a forbidden way 

All I did was love you 

I just wish you loved me too

Saturday nights

Impressions

Indentations 

Your grip 

My sensations

Breathing down my neck 

Goosebumps pile thick

One leg

Two leg

Three leg

Four 

Entangled in eachother 

Wanting more 

Your skin 

My warmth 

Our lips 

Your tongue

It’s only the beginning

I’m not done  

I love you

I love you
Three words
The most beautiful
The most tragic
What’s your love?
Affection?
Validation?
Giving?
Do you know what it feels like?
To fully love something
Love is stronger than any drug
Something so powerful
Yet so fragile
No wonder we are so afraid
Because who can deal with it being taken away
It’s the biggest detox
You will ever feel
Heartbreak is real
No wonder no one wants to feel it again
But if you stop feeling
You will never experience
The I LOVE YOU
That is specifically meant for you
Something that specific
Can never be duplicated

In that moment you will fully understand

Outbreak

You’re my constant desire

The thing I long for 

My favorite attire 

Your breath my perfume 

Your kiss my hydration 

Entangled for warmth 

No more sexual frustration 

It’s like you’ve mastered every code

Undressing me with a simple hello

Affection 

Infection 

Maybe a deadly direction 

Who cares at the moment 

I’ve longed for your presence

Enter my mind 

Be contagious 

2-18-18

Dripping down my chest 

Your beads of sweat 

Our bodies entangled 

Your breath 

Fresh on my neck 

A kiss no longer poison 

A touch no longer forbidden 

Writing your own codes 

On my porcelain skin 

Can you unlock my heart 

Is it safe to say 

We might be a work of art 

I grasp your palms 

My body softens 

Every pain I ever felt 

Now forgotten 

Page 25

I use to cry about losing you 

Worried to be alone 

Scared you would replace me

Thinking death if you were gone 

In reality of all of this 

After the fire burnt out 

My mind was manipulated 

My heart could live without 

It wasn’t love 

Not the type you read as a little girl 

It were the red flags 

Warning signs 

Therapists read from their books

You had me fooled 

A fool for a while 

But now the light has burnt out

I get on my knees and pray 

Thanking God everyday 

That he took you away