Spider minded

Loving me is stressful
You need to know me well
I feel for those who attempt
At the end of the day they fail
Not a time passes that their mind is at ease
A second after my love is a tease
I do understand insects love for another
Especially black widows
They just end up eating eachother
So many times I feel like devouring
Taking his soul with my terrible power
I truly feel for the ones tangled 
My potent pheromones to strangle

I smile at the ones I'll consume

They can never escape my doom 

Dark art

Why must I be so difficult 

Why is there a battle going on 

I can't win

I can't lose

I'm only playing against myself

A part of me is happy

A part of me is sad

When will I distinguish 

The good from the bad

I can't seem to see 

When the glass is half full

The emptiness of the glass

Consumes my skull

I don't get why I battle myself

I'm better than the self destruction

Healthier than the dose of depression 

I'm happy for the most part

But then the darkness comes

It takes on a shadow of beautiful art

The emotions pile on me 

Like oil paints smearing the canvas

But after awhile they all blend

Leaving a dark canvas to tend 

I'm too close now I start to suffer 

I'm pulling you down with me 

When will this battle stop

Because a little while longer 

I won't be sane enough 

Nittygritty

It's such a shame 

How people waste their name 

The pain they experience

Doesn't shape them 

It makes them diminish

Using something to drown it out

Not even trying to figure it out

Instead I chose a blade

Cut so many times just to bleed

I didn't want to numb myself

Loading my veins into a comatose 

I chose deal with it 

Every pain I experienced it

Only to have a sharp wing of a butterfly

To cut me open and let me cry 

We all deal with things so different

It's life we either love it hate it or leave it 

09/21/15

This
This feeling thats unbearable
The emptiness never leaving
No matter what
We are all a meaning
I wondered today why you were taken away
Closed my eyes
Wished you good bye
The tears weren't forced
The sob untouched
I still can't describe this feeling
The earth stands still
The sun is always clear
We have had tremendous days
Death thats arising
Our hearts darkness blinding
A whistle in the distance
I don't want to live without you
No wonder people say
Love lives on
How could it stop even when you are gone
Memories and photos keep you alive
Sometimes I forget that you died
Thats okay I accept
Ill cherish the time I was left 
Never forget your contagious smile
Just to remember your only gone for a little while

Show Time

The lights behind your eyes
Your passion is my paradise
I become filled with oxytocin
Breathing out my oxygen
Taking in your every oxide
Love burning like peroxide
Then that capture
When our eyes lock
Those seconds after
Your hand grasps my skin
Pulling my blood from within
Releasing me back down to rest
After those seconds left
The fire we made
The burn in the core
My body your personal guitar
Those seconds pass
Then the grasp
It happens once more
A final kiss
Ends the show
But I'm begging for an encore

09/19/15

I'm sorry for what occurred 

When I was a drunken slur

That's something that I can't change

I wish I could take away

Everyday that you stay

I'll try n make it up my way

By showing you my love is true

Never letting you turn blue

I will deal with all you give

Because you looked right through 

You're the first one to ever chance it

Trust me your heart is safe

I'll never let it break 

You are my precious jewel

Something I give my all too

So please when you feel the pain

Remember I'll keep it away

Family

I hear all that you say

I see the sadness u hide

Every night as I pray 

I get flashbacks and cry

A family is all you have 

But what if your families bad

We stumble in and out of bars

Trying to drown out the scars

I've never fully understood

Why you were how you were

But we don't know what it's like

To sit and have a laugh at night 

It was the first time we got along

Very close after you read my song

Sometimes u wish for a different life

But I cherish everything that's not right

We all have been through this shit 

But we came out stronger in our clique 

Brother n sister bonds are the best

We became closer even after all the tests 

Our first collab

You are my heaven

You are my hell

Anything with out you

Isn't real

The good and the bad

The best and the worst

You are my soul

The wholeness of whole

You are the curse

The wings of a crow

From shadow to shadow 

Exposing the shallow

Wait till night to take me there

Not sure if I'm ready 

Feeling unprepared 

I am your weakness 

You are the cure

The sweetest of secrets

That I adore 

I am your first pick 

Ill make you bleed

Im like your first fix 

Now I'm all that you need 

Classic

Okay looks
What does it mean to be pretty
How is beautiful defined
We create a solid line
That line is only created by humans
What so you think each eye sees the same
You think that each person has the same view
Pretty, Hot, Beautiful
It can't be defined with a solid line
It all reverts back to your own insecurity
It all reverts back to what you need to feel better
Most need to demolish a soul
Others need to find what they don't have
It won't make you look better
You are You
No matter what no one can be you
The more you change the less you stay classic
More success could be brought to you by your view
So use your eyes to see
The beauty you have
The one within
View how you are
Not what you think your suppose to be

08/16

You know what I've noticed 

People work harder at getting you

Than keeping you 

The amount of love you share is only valid through the eyes of another 

That love is now measured in the time that you know another

It's no longer just a feeling

Everything is so publicized 

Making it harder to reach any expectation 

We try to be so perfect for another imperfect human being

We spend our entire lives searching 

Often taking the ones who care for granted 

I woke up one morning realizing

That society created these boundaries

So we as society can demolish it

Stress

There's so many reasons 

Why I'm writing this evenin 

First off I'm stressed

Maybe a bit depressed 

I change my mind

Too many times

I think you're for me 

Sometimes I see

A different girl im forming to be 

I love myself 

Which is so hard

I'm not easily convinced 

Or changed on the side 

I'm way too opinionated 

To have this talk 

I can't wrap my head around 

How you don't get it

Maybe I'm asking too much

Or I'm not the girl you'll do it for

So yes I'm stressed

Maybe a bit depressed 

But a simple thought 

Could change it all

07/19

I feel like a part of me has died

It's a weird feeling 

Something I didn't think existed

Have you ever looked at a rose

Right as it bloomed

It's flourishing with colors and smells

Then it dies 

It's still pretty but there is something missing

It's darker

That's how I feel

Why can't things flourish forever

Realizing never say never

That isn't how my story ends

I was the rose that died 

There is no changing what is done 

I'll stay in a blanket

Waiting till my heart can't take it

Then I'll go outside

Take a deep breath

Release this stress

Hopefully having the light come inside

I've lost you

To mourn

No matter what you're mourning

Feel it

Feel the depths in your bones

Do not let this feeling pass

Until you have felt every inch

It may be brutal

You'll survive 

We were created to withstand emotion 

When times are tough

We need to go inside and connect

Recharge with our beating heart

Feel the cold pains

The hot shakes 

Experiencing every black hole 

Till it becomes light

Then the light will show

And you will look in the mirror

Seeing your internal glow

It's very important not to lose yourself

Because that's destruction 

And you're to intricate to be constructed

07/13

I feel suffocated

Like my life is your goal 

I fuckin hate it

Jealousy is your misery

It keeps affecting me

I want to tell you

I want to move on

I just know the conversation won't be fun

I've never felt the respect back

You've always been a little wack

Sometimes I wanna hide and smoke

Till it chokes these thoughts out my throat

Laying everything out 

So you can be the one to pout

Over this constant vibe you give

Let me just  live

I know you won't till your happy

But please stop making me feel crappy

07/01/15

People have spoken

Shared their own thoughts

On the life I'm livin

My question remains

How does my life 

Affect you in some way

It's funny to me

When I hear what they say

That I've changed or I'm weird

How would you know I disappeared 

I don't talk trash on your life goals

I never show my face in your world

Bringing me up in your convos 

You do you 

I'm doing fine thanks tho

I grew up and found who I was 

I'd recommend doing the same

Talk about your life and this age 

But maybe you peaked 

And the past were your days 

I honestly have sympathy

For those who have internal misery

Nothing to share than another's choices

But all you hear are worthless voices 

You're no better than what you speak

Make sure it's not trash 

Or else you will reek

I'm not listening

I now wonder

If I was six feet under

Would they still have hunger

To point out

What I'm all about

To continuously speak

Of some negative repeats

Someone grab a knife

So I can cut open

All the worthless veins 

Of these lying cheating hoes 

Who say my name

I don't talk about you

So worry about what you're up top

I'll talk to you about surface level 

Hoping I won't hear you talk over this treble 

Dreams come true

The one

I now know what this means

When I close my eyes I don't dream

I've dreamt of you since I was young

You now have consumed my lungs 

Breathing for me so it seems

We've meshed as one

Our souls to keep 

Never thought this blessing would happen

Then you showed me your heaven 

Keeping you always lifted

Growing with you as planets are shifted 

Everyday ive become more addicted

Even after my souls disconnected 

Mine

When I do things my perspective 

It's like getting off a defibrillator 

Living for another being

Only seeing what their seeing

Doing what best suits me

Waking up and letting be

Some people wonder why

But answers still won't rest the eye

It's something I can't explain

It keeps me out of pain

Passion and distraction 

Go hand in hand

Detecting what's right brings the end

So with this

The Devils kiss

I will enter my own dream 

Promise

I promise 

To keep the monsters away

To never let my eyes stray 

I promise

To pick you up when your down

To always be around

I promise 

To give you my all

My whole self entirely

I promise

To never judge at your worst

To hold and accept when you curse

I promise 

To be there anytime

Rain or shine

I wish I could promise forever

But I don't know how long I'll be alive 

05/28

Forever is an empty promise

Something I loath and want to finish

Your smile was everything

Your heart was my destiny

Never thought I would get you out

My brains beginning to stress me out 

Sometimes I wonder if I consume you

Then again you are my two

The connecting source to my happiness 

The everlasting spiritual sacrifice

Keeping away the monsters that lurk

Always with a lovable smirk

Making these feelings last

Let's hope we won't die out

Time

There's really no time to waste

Trying to beat father time

Succeeding before the reapers crime

Distractions good or bad

Veer you off the chosen path

Staying focused to win the race

Trying to go at a steady pace

Decisions decisions 

Can't choose one

Reflecting on life with a loaded gun

Wondering when you will make that leap

Conquering everything you weep

Succeeding in life isn't the toughest

It's getting through life without those crutches 

Letting go of unnecessary things

People, places, things 

At the end of the race

You won't see a familiar face 

Majority took a fall

05-03-15

Another one bites the dust
Man that was tough
Feeling used
Emotionally abused
I really thought i was wrong
I thought you had depth
I lept
Thinking you were consumed
Really it was your doom
Do I not seem good enough
Am I not crazy enough
Like you said
The attachment wasn't there
Hard to hear such harsh words
Then I remember what I deserve
Its nice to know it wasn't me
But hard to think i invested so much in thee
I hope that you find the one your looking for
Just don't make them feel like your whore
It was a bump in the road
Now it is finally closed

distasteful

Figure
Disfigure
We want to be like the girls in the magazines
Edited
Directed
Posed
Affiliated
We are told that whats perfect is perfect
What isn't is shameful
Boys become picky
Their taste is disgraceful
The character of a woman
Is defined by her size
So instead of eating
We weigh and measure our waist line
Flawless skin
Doesn't mean a win
Don't you remember when you thought of yourself as a ten
Until you met that human that disrupted your zen
The ones so consumed by gluttony
Creating the most enemies
Cooped up inside in their own demise
Departing from their heart
To make you seem like distasteful art
You become so concerned of your outer appearance
Craving that constant reassurance
No wonder the disorders start so young
Media peers and men
Finally won

Paint my heart

I like this

This whole thing we have

Our shared laughs

I don't want to change it

Maybe I'm too sensitive

Or maybe I'm just right

I've waited for you day n night

It saddens me this could end

But happiness till then

A smile a tear

Is this a day dream or for real

This black isn't dark

Your fingertips paint my heart

Every inch of you

I died into

The thought of goodbye

Then a kiss goodnight

To wake up right next to you

Sometimes I think your not real

Your fake

Then the sun sets

I take a deep breath

Letting this greatness take over 

I succumbed to your arms

Taken and enlarged

Now I live through your light forever 

4-19-15

As I stand here alone

These thoughts become my own

What's wrong?

Why do you do this?

These questions leave me stressed

Am I not good enough

Has my heart had to much

I can only write it down on paper

I can only wish for so much after

When we met I felt it

But tonight it was all wrong

When we kissed i felt it

But today was too gone

The depth I crave 

The love I want

Seems too out of reach

The conversations I need

Leaves me constantly unachieved

Especially since your not the one

What a stupid thought I had

Thinking this dream could be reality

No way it can

I wanted you

You wanted your cake and eat it too

So simple yet so tough

I left I had enough 

I deserve the universe

But you gave me a star 

So I will let that fall

Move on once more 

Lovers

I fell hard 

Harder than I wanted too

Much faster than I ever knew

Baby I fell for you

I love you 

Much deeper than I ever knew

I loved you more than I ever knew

Baby I love you

It's hard you see

I want you so bad for me

Your bad is a disease

I can never heal me

When I let you go

You fall in the distance 

You disappear in the smoke

I burn in your cloak

Falling harder each day

I fell hard 

To hard to move on

You are the one

Bloody Mary

It's all just a dream we say

When these nightmares don't go away

Staring at yourself in the mirror

Wondering if the ghost will disappear 

You close your eyes

Escaping your own demise 

I guess the blood was fake 

Nothing less it was a mistake

Wondering when she will return

Grabbing your throat 

Making you yearn

Loving the darkness was a struggle

Your hearts blood now a puddle 

You splash 

She kicks

The blood begins to thick

Open the eyes

See the cries

Leaving your last heart in the water 

Last cry

Three letters

You 

That was all that corrupted me

It was all that gave me sanity

You 

A broken heart

Left to walk among this earth apart

You created this 

You ended this

Why would you light this flame

If your intentions weren't the same

Now all that's left are three letters

Three letters that mean nothing anymore 

You do not exist 

I will never look at you

So why do I feel like I could have prevented this

You did this 

It was all 

You 

Your toxic waste

That won't dissipate 

All that's left 

Is the stupid scent

The left overs we just ate 

And a card to tell me I'm not the one

3/23/15

Many nights I lay awake thinking. 

So consumed by my own mind that I forget to fall asleep. 

I wonder things that I cannot answer. 

I wonder why I can't get to sleep.

Sometimes I lie awake and weep

Smiling at sadness laughing at pain. 

My normality slipped away. 

A positive about to drown. 

Thinking different ways around. 

Is it a yes or is it a no. 

This distance tends to grow n grow. 

I'm about at the end of my throne

Grasping my throat giving a moan. 

The darkness taking over us all

Waiting to watch my next fall

Pitch black

I'm in a dark state today

I wish this darkness would go away 

As soon as I close my eyes

What I see is what I feel

Pitch black

Sometimes I look in the mirror

To see nothing clearer 

Everything just turns to black

I don't know how to be happy

Thousands of things go on in my head

Sometimes I wish I was dead

Then a glimmer of hope arises 

Turning this darkness into a beautiful sunrise 

Then I wonder

What if I let it totally consume me

Would I just be

Darkness?

Danger coaster

I believe 

If you truly love 

It'll set you free 

Free of the past

Strike the flame 

Share a laugh

Your only as good

As your darkest day

So strike the flame

Lead the way

Like wind and rain

Love will come in waves

Cherish every minute 

With just a smile

It could be worthwhile

Talking to that stranger 

Putting your heart in danger

Experiencing that wonderful ride  

Awareness

Cut an inch deep

Want to be 6ft under

No ones aware 

These struggles are real

Hoping one day that'll be the last

You won't have to face them in class

Words are the cause

Suicide to escape their flaws 

The bullies who antagonize 

Need to open their eyes

If putting people down 

Helps you sleep

Then maybe you should read

Read the paper about teens death

See your threat in the paper next

Become aware 

Realize 

Nothing lasts forever 

These are all just lies 

What does stick 

Is when you cut an inch thick

Bleeding out till your heart stops 

So the next time

You get hurt by the lies

Remember your greatness 

Smile at the hatred 

Move on with a wonderful glide 

Happiest when it rains

If I wanted you to stay

You would be here

Instead I want you gone

Far far away from me 

Nothing in this world will change it

Nothing in this world will keep it

I want you so far away

That a person couldn't travel to you

You've burned me too much

That this girl is no longer your crutch

I'll disappear like you should

Never to be in your hood

So fuck you 

And fuck them

Your blood runs deep

Deep down a drain

Because I'm only happy when it rains 

2-21-15

This excruciating pain 

leaves me sane

I grew up 

In the nightmare of others

Your hand I thought was to save me

Not push me down to drown 

Every breath I took

I hoped it was my last

Until I saw your face

Now every time 

I fell to drown

I would remember your smile

It would hold me up

I began to give a fuck

the letters love 

Didn't feel like denial

Your hand on my thigh 

Your gaze in my eyes

It all became so real 

When our souls touched 

I felt alive

Now my heart thrives 

Mending

This excruciating pain 

Is you leaving me

Look around for restraint 

But it's time to evaporate 

I wasn't ready for it

This has come too soon

I'm forced to move on

Now that I'm without you

The thoughts are alone

No one to call my own

New one to meet

My heart will defeat 

Melt in my hand

Like a candle almost out

I will love you whole

I cannot live without 

2/4/15

2 am

The cops came

We were fighting too loud again

A glass broke

My heart sank 

All that was left was in smoke

Judging by my eye

You saw the lie 

That "no" he never hit me

Lying through my teeth

To hold onto something so bleak

The officer tried to get me to go

Pictures were taken 

My body was shaken

All I wanted was a hug from the one

Disappointed by my statement

He was left in his basement 

I was driven to the hospital last night

Won't answer his phone

Why do I feel like I was the one

Who swung to break a bone

In the hospital I sat 

Waiting for his laugh

Hour after hour it was a no show

I'm sorry 

I prayed as the doctors rushed me away

His love was my end all

2-2-15

I'm so over stereotypes and opinions 

They always come from the same minions 

Ripping people down

To make themselves feel better

Why can't we just all treat eachother with positivity instead of negativity 

Nobody will be your idea of perfect

No one can fill the void you have

If your happiest moments are when your destroying someone

Then you need to take a look around

I have hated many 

For this exact reason

Take a look in the mirror before you judge

Because your words could take someone to the ledge

Your mind our own ocean

A human 

Such a fragile yet destructive thing

Put on earth to rediscover life 

Yet we don't know why we are life

Everyday poses a new question

We don't know 

That's the most beautiful yet fearful thing any of us encounter 

Humans want to figure everything out

But we can't even figure out ourselves 

How can these questions be justified

All individual thinkers 

Not knowing what someone else sees 

Relying on facts and a human word

We think we are known but everyday we are faced with new obstacles and new things we don't know or can't answer 

We rely on religion or science to give us answers when the people who created these answers don't even know the subconscious of their own self 

Not knowing is the most beautiful thing 

Even when we know we really don't know 

Day 5

Those moments of darkness

I cherish

They form me to flourish

I can't say I'm happy to experience it

Nor am I sad when it occurs again

This transforms my every end

I become so deep with myself

That I don't realize the rest

When my eyes become pools

And my hearts in my throat

I know it's time for a change

The darkness takes over me

Tries to move me drastically

By then I'm destined to win

You can't control a person

An action causes a reaction

To stop it completely

You resort to a conclusion

Never to return 

They diminish

You bloom